Coping with holiday stress: Keeping realistic expectations

Coping with holiday stress

The holiday season is just days away. For many, this time of year brings hopes of beautiful moments spent with family, friends, and loved ones. Visions of roasting chestnuts on an open fire, a snowy Christmas just like the ones you used to know, and rockin’ around the Christmas tree.

These moments may be among the most cherished in your life. So why can they be the most stressful?

What causes holiday stress?

Whenever something is important, extra attention is paid to it, and you want to become involved to take part. This also means that you carry expectations influenced by your memories, desires, and environment.

The smell of grandma’s home cooking at Thanksgiving, your favorite Christmas cookies, and the sights and sounds of the season in your home or community. This is portrayed in books, movies, and the media to become the mental representations by which you measure happiness and satisfaction.

You may direct your energy toward creating the perfect experience. Often, events out of your control — finances, travel plans, past and present relationships, health, and current events — interfere with your vision of the perfect holiday season. This can lead to stress and unhappiness.

Setting realistic expectations

The key to coping is being realistic about your expectations. Finances may be a cause of stress during the holidays. Take a few moments to write down your anticipated expenses, a budget for gifts, travel, and special holiday traditions.

People can get caught up in the hunt for the most popular toy or gift and forget the importance of the holiday season. The thought behind the gift is more important than the cost of the gift. Consider baking a treat or offering your talents or time to your loved ones.

Set aside funds for those unforeseen expenses and stick to your budget. Remember that overspending now invariably leads to regret and difficulty later.

Holiday travel often is complicated. Families today are geographically separated more than ever. You may find yourself juggling multiple holiday events in a short time frame. Speak with your loved ones about what you and your family can realistically do for your schedule. Allow yourself time for travel, and prioritize events as you are able. The pressure of feeling that you must be in two, or sometimes even three, places at once is enough to take the fun out of any event.

Live in the moment, not in the past

Expectations from past years can lead to feelings of not doing enough in preparation. It’s important to clarify what others’ expectations are and to state your own. It’s also important to prioritize your mental health during the holiday season. This can mean saying “no” or setting boundaries. Permit yourself to decline things that do not serve you.

People change, and, as a result, your holidays change. Sometimes, compromising on having a gathering either just before or after the actual holiday is necessary. Remember that the time spent together is most important, more so than the date on the calendar.

Create a mindset of graciousness

When facing complicated past or present relationships, focus on modeling graciousness. Take responsibility for your feelings and actions. Your friends, family, and loved ones also are responsible for their feelings and actions.

You don’t have control over whether others make the choice you would want. This is where graciousness comes in. You can focus on your best manners and make time to discuss difficult topics another day.

Finally, as much as you would like the holidays to be devoid of sadness, anxiety, and other negative emotions, the reality is that life is going on around you all the time. You have feelings to inform you about what to pay attention to.

Remembering emotions come and go can allow you to feel the emotions freely. Avoiding emotions tends to be detrimental in the long term. Practice healthy coping skills, such as meditation, deep breathing, or exercise, to assist your mood.

Having a realistic expectation that the holidays won’t banish your adverse reactions or emotions can help you cope with the stressors that arise. Allow yourself to set realistic expectations and extend your graciousness to others to have an enjoyable time with those you love.

Source: mayoclinichealthsystem.org ~  By:  Kayla Wojciechowski ~ Image: Canva Pro

10 Smart Ways to Protect Your Peace This Holiday Season

Protect Your Peace This Holiday

Are you saying yes to literally every holiday event? Yeah, don’t.

Between running errands, showing face at holiday parties, scheduling hangouts with friends you might not have seen in a while, and going to family gatherings, this time of year can feel like a lot. A whole lot. A massive lot. And if you’re not protecting your peace, or taking care of yourself and setting boundaries that keep you from feeling overwhelmed, holiday social exhaustion could be in your future. Womp.

For the uninitiated, social exhaustion happens when you’ve socialized to the point where you’re physically tired and mentally drained, says licensed clinical psychologist Helen Odessky, PsyD, author of Stop Anxiety from Stopping You. And, no, it’s not just a thing that happens to those who need alone time to recharge (hey, introverts!). Anyone who doesn’t meet their ideal alone–time-to-people-time ratio, which is different for everyone, is at risk of social burnout.

Ahead, you’ll find expert-backed tips for fending off the fatigue along with what’s worked for people who’ve protected their peace during the holiday season. Look at you thriving out there this year!

1. Don’t say yes to everything.

When someone invites you to their Thanksgiving Eve game night, it might seem risky to turn them down. We have these “overblown fears” that people will think we don’t like them, that we don’t care about our relationships, or that we’re not fun or helpful, says social psychologist and Cornell University professor Vanessa Bohns, Ph.D., author of You Have More Influence Than You Think. We’re wired to be agreeable, we often don’t want to stop being invited to things, and we think if we say no to certain asks that it’ll bite us later, she explains. But research suggests that we do overestimate the negative consequences of saying no, Dr. Bohns says.

Plus, research also suggests that it’s common to think people are doing more social things than we are. In reality, though, that’s usually not the case. And thinking that others’ social lives are busier than ours piles unneeded pressure on, notes Dr. Bohns.

Nina P., 35, tells Wondermind that she’ll let herself cancel plans if she gets busy because “the right ones will stick around and understand.” Chances are, your friends will still be your friends and your neighbor down the street probably won’t think you’re a horrible person for not giving them a hand with their Christmas lights. So look back at how much you said yes to in the past and if it led to burnout—then plan what you want to say no to accordingly, suggests Dr. Odessky.

2. Say no, but make it nice.

A simple “no” is 100% OK too, says Dr. Bohns, but if that’s awkward for you, literally just blame the holidays as an excuse to kindly decline. If you’re still feeling weird about it, thank them for the invite and say something like, “I can’t right now, but please keep letting me know about these things!” Dr. Bohns suggests. You can also offer to hang out later on, she adds.

3. Write down things you have to do.

It’s easier to RSVP no when you have a running list of what you’ve already said yes to (or want to say yes to). “If your calendar starts giving you hives because you look at it and you go, ‘I don’t know how I’m gonna do all these things,’ that’s a good sign that you need to pull back,” says Dr. Odessky.

4. Give yourself time to make a decision.

Making decisions on the spot puts a lot of pressure on a person. “When we feel like we don’t have time to mindfully think about what we want to do, our default is to just agree,” so then we start saying yes more than we’d like, says Dr. Bohns. Buy yourself some time and tell someone that you need to get back to them or check your calendar, she says. This gives you room to weigh your options.

5. Spend time with people who make you feel good.

It can be super helpful (and more realistic) to dedicate your social time to people you care about. For example, Vivian N., 29, says the losses of her mom and grandmother make her feel a ton of grief during the holidays, so she’s learned that doing less is more for her. “I know that grief drains me, so I try to build in more quality time with people who fill me up,” she explains. “In all honesty, while this is a very social season, I’ve also made my peace that, for my well-being, I should say no to more things during these months.” Plus, doing less helps her preserve her energy so she’s able to give her all to the people she meets up with.

Similarly, Angie C., 33, says she’s reframed the holidays as a chance for her to bond with her mom instead of hosting extended family. They’ve planned a staycation at a hotel for one year and spent other holiday seasons traveling together. There’s this idea that people who “skip” the holidays are the Grinch, she says, but she sees it more as an opportunity to rest and have fun with people who “recharge” her.

6. Find time to do you.

Asking yourself what you need to de-stress and feel more energized and doing those things can help you fend off social exhaustion. Find time to do something alone, suggests Dr. Odessky. Getting fresh air, reading, listening to music, watching shows under a weighted blanket, and writing down glimmers are all great options. But, no matter what recharging activity you do, make sure you’re prioritizing it as high as all the other stuff you feel obligated to get done.

7. Talk to yourself like a friend.

If making space for what you need during the holidays doesn’t come easily to you, maybe you need to rethink how you talk to yourself, says Dr. Bohns. You’re less likely to shame a close friend who wanted to bail on plans, for example. It can be hard to take your advice, but this kind of mental role-playing can help you be a little nicer to yourself.

8. Postpone to-dos that make you tired—or do them early.

When you have a bunch of events going on, the non-social things that drain your energy really low—like shopping for gifts, decorating, and cleaning—can wait until you have some time without social obligations to get them done, says Dr. Odessky. For Chrissy H., 30, even something as simple as Christmas or holiday music can leave her feeling drained, so she’ll just change the station. No one needs extra stress during this time. No one!

If prepping is more your style, you can do certain tasks that you know might make you more burnt out before the holidays get going. For example, Bridget J., 29, started buying gifts in January 2022 for December 2022 (she’s saved a gift list on her phone to keep track of them all). This, she says, has helped her enjoy the holidays without stressing about shopping or feeling rushed.

9. Take a breather.

When you’re in social situations like a holiday party or a dinner, give yourself a timeout to step away from the noise, suggests Dr. Odessky. It’s the little moments that we get to ourselves that can make social fatigue a bit less consuming. Wash your hands extra, extra, extra slowly in the bathroom; find a quiet place to breathe; or take a page out of Nina P.’s book and go on a quick walk or volunteer to check on food.

You can also just leave early, says Dr. Bohns (she does this when she needs to be alone). We assume that people are paying attention to things that we are self-conscious about when, in reality, very few are keeping track, she explains. Most people probably won’t even notice or criticize you for leaving early. “Maybe it impacts your best friend, but most people will just have a nice night and not judge you as harshly as you expect for it,” she says.

10. Remember that there’s no right way to spend the holidays.

What helps Sam T., 37, feel way less burnt out by the holidays is reframing Christmas Day as just a day. “Typically, the pressure to have fun and enjoy it with others is what makes it exhausting,” he says. Remembering that a holiday doesn’t have to look a certain way made it easier for him to opt out of spending Christmas with family when he was navigating sobriety. Instead, he spent the holiday alone. However, if you choose to celebrate your holidays this season, remind yourself that after the decorations return to storage and ovens cool down, the world moves on. It always does.

Source: wondermind.com  ~ By: Sam Brodsky ~ Image: Canva Pro

A 5-Step Process to Keep Perspective During the Holidays

Keep Perspective During the Holidays

Do the Holidays bring out your best attributes or your worst?

Clearly, the Holidays carry more stress and strain than you recall as a kid.  Is it because you never knew the “responsibility” side of Christmas when younger?  You didn’t see ‘behind the scenes’ of Santa’s activity?

Alternatively, have you lost some glimmer and shine because of the pace, expectations, and desires?  Fun has a way of being minimized when to-do lists, deadlines, and expectations fill your mind all day!

It seems like the holidays are becoming like the Academy Awards or the Super Bowl Half-Time Show – every year is expected to be better than the last.

As such, the pressure to make it “super special” begins to drown out the joy of the season.  You have inadvertently climbed aboard a train bound for the adult version of ‘misfit toys’ – it is called:

The Land of “Unquenchable Expectations” and “Endless To-do’s.”

These two issues create stress and kill happiness.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m all for setting high expectations and shooting for “the best holidays ever.”  That’s not the problem.

It isn’t “high expectations” or “lofty desires” that derail you – it is:

    1. Failure to appreciate what you have
    2. Forgetting to reflect on the positive.

Over the Thanksgiving weekend, I was talking to a very successful friend of mine.  His words hit me between the eyes.  He said:

Everything is good my friend – better than I deserve.”

“Better than I deserve.”  At its core – the words are humble, reflective, and grateful.  This is the exact opposite of “unquenchable desire” or “endless to-dos.”  It doesn’t indicate what “could have” or “should have” gone better.

Do you feel “better than you deserve?” Do you display it? Do you think it? Do you use those words with friends?

If not, it is worth trying.  It is the key to keeping perspective.

People who regularly express gratitude have better experiences in life.  Expressing gratitude forces a “half-full” perspective.  An interesting fact – you can’t experience a “positive” thought and a “negative” thought at the same time – you get one or the other.  It’s that simple.

Consequently, if you proactively express gratitude (a positive thought) you are stacking your “cognitive deck.”  Put simply, filling your head with positivity keeps the negative at bay.  Doing so creates the Holiday perspective you desire.

I challenge you to try it for a week and see the difference.  If you are up to it – follow these 5 steps.

    1. Get a baseline. Listen to your words and thoughts for at least one day (preferably two).  Determine your default direction – positive or negative.  Monitor trends – is there a difference at home or at work?  Are there certain situations that bring out one or the other more predictably?
    2. Target the most negative. Based on your assessment – target the areas where negativity prevails.  This is where you start.  For example – I’m horrible when driving – every other driver is a moron if you ask me!
    3. Deliberately change the script.  Maintain a high awareness during the targeted areas.  When you are in those situations – deliberately express gratitude.  Find the positive and be grateful for it.
    4. Repeat until it is the new normal.  It won’t happen overnight – work it until it becomes the norm and you can do it with less effort and more sincerity.
    5. Pick the next area to work.  Keep doing these steps until you hit the 80:20 rule.  80% of your daily experiences are filled with some form of positive gratitude.

Remember, there is nothing wrong with high expectations or to-do’s.  However, when they control you rather than the other way around, it is an issue.  Make these Holidays better balanced with to-do’s and Fa La La!!

Source: valutis.com ~ By: Dr. Chip Valutis ~ Image: Canva Pro

How to Stop Putting Pressure on Yourself

Stop Putting Pressure on Yourself

We face enough stress in life without putting more on ourselves, but that’s exactly what many of us do, in one way or another, sometimes without even realizing it. The first step toward easing off of yourself is to realize when you might be making things harder on yourself unnecessarily.

Without blaming yourself, why not learn what you can do to stop the self-sabotage and be your own strongest ally in stress relief? Here are some of the best ways to make the most of your life and cut down on self-imposed stress.

Understand High Achievement vs. Perfectionism

Many people slip into perfectionistic habits, not realizing that there is a better way to do their best without beating themselves along the way. Many perfectionists, on some level, believe that they need to attain perfection or they have failed; this belief can not only lead to stress, it can actually lead to less success than the attitude of a regular high-achiever!

An important first step is to recognize the difference between perfectionism and high-achievement and really understand why perfectionism is more a form of self-sabotage than an asset. When it comes to stress, “do your best” is better than “be perfect,” and in the long run, it’s healthier as well.

If you find yourself emotionally “holding onto” mistakes you’ve made, noticing more of what you’ve done wrong than what you’ve gotten right, and getting anxious when you do a good-but-not-perfect job, be aware that there is a better way.

Balance Being a Hard Worker and Type A Behavior

Working hard can lead to less stress if it translates into greater resources and a sense of accomplishment. “Type A” behavior, which can be associated with an extreme version of a strong work ethic, on the other hand, can be hard on your mental and physical health, as well as your relationships.

“Type A” people tend to experience health issues to a greater degree than the average enthusiastic and balanced hard workers, and can engage in behaviors that are less than healthy as well. You may not be able to change your personality, but you can soften the edges and shift your focus toward being more relaxed, and that can make all the difference.

Lead a Balanced Life

Leading a full life is great, but if you don’t live a balanced life, you can feel too stressed, too much of the time. How can you draw the line between being excitedly busy and overwhelmed?

You can start by paying attention to how you feel at the end of the day, at the end of a weekend (when you’re about to start a new week with new challenges), and taking a careful look at your life to see if you have enough time for maintaining self-care activities on a regular basis, including:

    • Engaging in regular exercise
    • Getting enough sleep
    • Nurturing relationships

Taking care of yourself is essential for stress management, and no other goals should be put above it, or you won’t be able to reach those goals as effectively—exhausted people lose momentum eventually.

Think Like an Optimistic, Not a Pessimist

Many people are afraid of positive thinking, likening it to a mental trick where you ignore important problems or valuable cues in life, and eventually, make mistakes that bring even more stress.

Actually, realistic positive thinking (focusing on the positive without completely ignoring and failing to address issues that require a response) can help you to be more effective in your life, and less stressed along the way.

One of the best positive thinking strategies you can adopt is optimistic thinking, which is a specific pattern of thinking that allows you to focus your attention on the accomplishments that maximize your confidence and allow you to do your best in the future.

Allow Yourself to Feel, Then Feel Better

You may have heard that it’s not healthy to “stuff your emotions” or to deny you feel the way you feel. This is true.

While it is important to find a balance between acknowledging your emotions and engaging in rumination, remaining in denial is not healthy either.

A more effective way to help yourself through stressful times is to become more aware of how you feel and why by journaling, talking things out with a close friend, or talking to a therapist if necessary, and then working toward engaging in activities that will give you a healthy emotional lift and moving on.

Accept Your Weaknesses, and Everyone Else’s

You may have known by the title of this article that a great way to relieve stress is to simply ease up on yourself—give yourself a break. You can also relieve stress by giving everyone else a break as well.

Don’t take things as personally, don’t hold onto grudges, and try to see the best in people by understanding how things may feel from their perspective. Learn to forgive yourself and others for past mistakes.

There are many effective ways to do this, but the loving-kindness meditation is one that incorporates the highly effective stress management tool of meditation in a way that helps lift your mood and helps you relax.

Source: verywellmind.com ~ By:  ~ Image: Canva Pro

How to Deal with High Pressure Situations at Work

How to Deal with High Pressure Situations at Work

Many of the things we’re proud to achieve in life are the product, not just of our talent and effort, but also our ability to handle pressure. From studying for exams, to preparing for job interviews, to giving a big speech or presentation, it’s hard to conceive of any career-defining moments that aren’t peppered with pressure.

Although pressure signals stress and anxiety, one of the oldest findings in modern psychology is that a moderate amount of pressure can actually boost performance. This is why top athletes will generally perform better in competitions than in training, and why professional musicians will be more motivated if they’re in front of an audience than practicing at home. In general, the more skilled you are at something, the more you’re able to translate external or situational pressure into a performance-enhancing ingredient.

That said, when pressure levels exceed our optimal threshold they can negatively impact our performance, mostly by hijacking our focus and attention (away from the task, and onto our negative emotions), lowering our confidence, and causing stress and anxiety. For example, research found that up to 60% of students experience test anxiety during exams, and a whopping 93% of people feel anxious in job interviews. Then there is the “fear of public speaking,” which ranks as one of the top phobias in the modern world.

What, then, can you do to improve your ability to deal with pressure, or at least avoid choking under pressure in critical career moments? Here are four science-based recommendations that can help.

1) Know your threshold.

Humans are a psychologically diverse species. One of the traits that make each of us unique is our propensity to deal with stress. Some call this emotional intelligence, others call it grit or resilience. The most widely used academic term for this trait is actually emotional stability. Leaving labels aside, all of these traits enhance your ability to cope with pressure, making you more cool-headed, and less emotionally reactive.

Regardless of your individual personality, the first step to managing high-pressure situations is understanding your stress tolerance level. Practical tips for building self-awareness include getting feedback from trusted colleagues and friends, evaluating your performance under different degrees of pressure, paying attention to your emotional reactions in potentially triggering situations, and taking a personality assessment. (Here’s a short free test you can try.)

Among these strategies, an easy first step is to pick one or two trusted colleagues and ask:

  • Do you think I perform well under pressure?
  • Do I look nervous or tense in high-stakes situations?
  • Do you see any changes in my behavior when I’m under calm or high-pressure situations?
  • Do I generally seem calm and composed to you?

The more people you ask, the better sense you will get of your reputation for dealing with stress and pressure. Your colleagues may even point out specific situations that trigger your stress response, perhaps ones you never noticed before.

Any feedback that tells you something about you that you (a) didn’t know and (b) needed rather than wanted to hear, is useful feedback. Fundamentally, knowing your personal pressure triggers will help you avoid them, or practice managing your reactions in those moments.

2) Identify your pressure triggers. (And practice.)

Once you have a better sense of your personality, and how it affects or relates to your propensity to deal with pressure, you should be better able to identify the exact triggers that exceed your default comfort levels. Do you get stressed by a high workload or looming deadlines? Does failing to meet your social or family obligations make you anxious? Are there things about your lifestyle, like following an unhealthy diet, or conflicts with your romantic partner, work colleagues, or relatives, that weigh on you?

While your overall potential to handle pressure will depend primarily on your personality, regardless of how calm or reactive you are, there will be particular situations that evoke more negative reactions than others — and these are very personal and individual. For instance, you may be someone who is never stressed at work but gets easily annoyed by family, or someone who enjoys working with others but is easily stressed by their boss.

Fortunately, we can all learn to minimize situations that put too much pressure on us by planning, prioritizing, picking our battles, and going outside our comfort zones within reason — without going over the tipping point. As with any skill or ability, practice is key, and generally underrated as a means to mitigate and prevent pressure, including on recruitment tests, job interviews, and presentations. Research shows that practice improves the performance in all these instances, mostly by mitigating anxiety.

For example, if you know that your boss is a source of stress for you, try to assess how you can change your interactions with them. When communicating with your boss, pick a medium you prefer (in person, email, Slack, Zoom, etc.) and the format of the interaction. Schedule a one-on-one meeting in advance, so you can prepare, practice, and focus). Establish a few points you want to cover in these moments to get what you need to do your job well (what they expect, what you need to deliver, and how you need to communicate).

You may also want to try engaging with your boss on a more casual, social basis: breakfast, lunch, coffee, drinks. Get to know each other on an informal basis, break the ice, and establish a healthy rapport.

In general, planning ahead of time and establishing communication norms with the people who stress you out will increase the familiarity and predictability of your interactions, and decrease the stress and anxiety you feel around them. This is true even for stressful situations that not revolving around specific people, like public speaking or job interviews. The more predictable you can make the situation, the less stressed you will feel.

3) Use these strategies to help you cope in the moment. 

There will obviously be situations in which pressure is unavoidable and your only option is to “face the music and dance.” Research shows that if you turn the following practices into daily or weekly habits, your ability to manage pressure when it comes on quickly will improve: breathing exercises, such as deep breathing, better sleep quality (particularly the night before a big, high-pressure event), mindfulness and meditationphysical exercise, and thinking techniques, such as cognitive reappraisal, whereby you learn to reinterpret a stressful situation as less stressful.

To mitigate the pressure before a big event, it’s also useful to avoid having too many coffees or Red Bulls. The pressure you feel at any given moment is largely caused by your own thoughts, ideas, and interpretations of things. This is why two people will experience very different levels of pressure in the same situation, and why a fast heartbeat could either signal intense physical activity or anxiety: the difference is not what your body does, but what your mind thinks.

Pressure and stress, just like anger or happiness, is mostly a state of mind. When it shows up unexpectedly, despite your other efforts, you can de-emphasize the seriousness of a stressful situation by focusing less on yourself, finding something or someone else to focus on, trying to enjoy certain aspects of the situation, and leveraging effective self-presentation (humor, honesty, or vulnerability).

If you’re nervous during a job interview, for instance, you may be better off admitting it right away, than trying to hide it or fake confidence. Saying something like, “I’m really sorry, but my nerves are getting to me right now. Forgive me if I take a few deep breaths to relax,” may be a better tactic in gaining sympathy than denial or deception. Once you regain your composure, continue to lean on the tactic of honesty: Speak about your interest in the job, opening up about why you’re passionate, rather than worrying about performing or making a good impression. After all, if you really care about the job — which would explain your nerves — then finding an honest way to convey it will be impactful.

Remember: Everybody gets nervous, except for those who are overconfident. The people worth working with will prefer humility over narcissism. Don’t force yourself to be someone you’re not in any scenario. When your nerves come on suddenly, turn your genuine vulnerability into an honest expression of who you are.

4) Don’t avoid pressure entirely.

You will probably want to keep some level of pressure in your life. It will ensure that you develop strength and resilience, that your competitive instincts get activated, and that you go outside your comfort zone to achieve bigger things. If you’re never experiencing any pressure, then you’re probably not aiming high enough.

There are plenty of situations that show how feeling too little pressure can impair your performance: being bored at work, being disinterested in impressing others, or doing something that’s so easy you don’t even have to focus. It’s only by testing your limits that you can learn about your talents, stretch yourself mindfully, and develop your potential.

There is no better feedback than failure, and failing at something difficult and meaningful is the best incentive to bounce back and become a better version of yourself.

In short, pressure is an important part of life, and learning to manage it appropriately will benefit you. Although this is more of an art than a science, you can leverage some of these science-based suggestions to practice more effective pressure management.

Source: hbr.org ~ By: Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic ~ Image: Canva Pro

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